Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain unveiled details of his economic policy today, telling an audience in Ohio that if elected he would support a real estate tax holiday for beer heiresses.
Sen. McCain said that his tax holiday plan could lead to a revival for the U.S. economy, arguing, “The key to this country’s economic well-being has been and will always be those Americans with vast inherited brewery wealth.”
The Arizona senator took great pains to indicate that the tax holiday would not be available to all brewery heiresses, “Just those with a net worth of over 100 million dollars.”
Mr. McCain’s real estate tax holiday proposal came on the heels of the news that his wife, presumptive First Lady nominee Cindy McCain, had failed to pay real estate taxes on her La Jolla, California home for four years.
But Sen. McCain was quick to dismiss speculation that his real estate tax holiday proposal was intended to help his wife, adding, “Anyone who is serious about fixing the U.S. economy would start with the engine of that economy, which as everyone knows is brewery heiresses.”
Standing at Sen. McCain’s side during his appearance, Mrs. McCain endorsed the real estate tax holiday and offered an explanation for her failure to pay four years’ worth of real estate taxes.
“I guess it slipped my mind,” she said. “Quite frankly, I’ve been busy coming up with totally original recipes for my website.”
In a major speech on the war in Iraq today, presumptive GOP nominee John McCain said that the Iraqis have split into two factions, Shiites and Sunnis, with a sinister goal in mind.
“My friends, the Iraqis have divided themselves into these two groups for one reason and one reason only,” Sen. McCain told an audience in a retirement village in Scottsdale, Arizona. “They are trying to confuse me.”
Sen. McCain said that although the two groups of Iraqis are “well-nigh impossible” to tell apart, he vowed to commit U.S. troops to Iraq “for as long as it takes for me to figure out just what the difference between Sunnis and Shiites is.”
“If it takes 100 years, 1,000 years, or a billion zillion years, we will stay there until I can tell Sunnis and Shiites apart,” the Arizona senator said.
Sen. McCain reserved his harshest words for the Shiites, who he said were trying to confuse him by sometimes referring to themselves as “Shiites” and other times as “Shia.”
“What’s that all about, anyway?” he asked. “Stop clowning around and call yourself one thing.”
Sen. McCain seemed alarmed when a reporter asked him whether he believed that the Kurds, the third major group in Iraq, were trying to confuse him as well.
“The Kurds?” he said. “Who the heck are they?”
Elsewhere, a carjacker in Los Angeles stole a tank of gas but left the Mercedes.
Republican presidential nominee John McCain officially kicked off his general election campaign today, promising to bring his race for the White House to “all thirteen colonies.”
At a campaign stop in the Dominion of Virginia, Sen. McCain said that if his Democratic opponent, Sen. Barack Obama, takes any of the thirteen colonies for granted, “he doth so at his peril.”
Sen. McCain made his remarks in the Dominion of Virginia, which many McCain advisers concede will be a key colony in the fall election.
But in announcing his 13-colony strategy, Sen. McCain appeared to give notice that he intends to contest such traditional Democratic strongholds as the Province of Massachusetts Bay.
In the conclusion of his remarks, Sen. McCain vowed that his campaign would employ “the latest technology” to spread his message across the thirteen colonies.
“We will use the telegraph key, the carrier pigeon, and the pony,” he said.
The endgame of Hillary Clinton’s bid for the Democratic presidential nomination took an unexpected turn today as her husband, former President Bill Clinton, updated his status on a popular social networking site.
Visitors to Mr. Clinton’s profile page at Facebook noticed that minutes after Mrs. Clinton suspended her campaign, President Clinton updated his status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
The former president also added several items under the category of “looking for” on his profile page.
Previously, Mr. Clinton had indicated that he was on Facebook primarily for “networking,” but today he added “friendship,” “dating,” and “a relationship” to the list.
When asked what significance, if any, Mr. Clinton’s profile updates had for his relationship with Mrs. Clinton, campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson offered an evasive response.
“What can I tell you?” he said. “It’s complicated.”
Elsewhere, in a kick-off to the 2008 general election campaign, John McCain challenged Barack Obama to a “Creepiest Smile” contest.
A self-styled heterosexual man from Akron, Ohio said today that he was “traumatized” over the weekend after attending a showing of the new Sarah Jessica Parker film, “Sex and the City.”
Hendrick Colton, 34, said that he bought a ticket to the summer blockbuster “Iron Man” at his neighborhood multiplex but wandered into the theater showing “Sex and the City” instead.
“The minute the movie came on, I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong,” he said.
Mr. Colton, a sales clerk at a Home Depot in the Akron suburbs, said he tried to leave the theater immediately but was seated in the middle of a row, making it impossible to escape without causing commotion.
“Everyone around me was laughing their heads off and shouting ‘You go, girl!’” he said. “It was terrifying.”
A spokesman for New Line Cinema, the company that released “Sex and the City,” said that the film grossed $55 million over the weekend but that Mr. Colton was the only heterosexual man known to have seen it.
Friends of Mr. Colton who spoke on condition of anonymity said that the Akron man seemed shaken by the experience of seeing the movie and was concerned that others might now doubt his longstanding claim of being heterosexual.
Davis Logsdon, a professor of human sexuality at the University of Minnesota, said that a straight man could attend a film such as “Sex and the City” without experiencing any change in his sexual identity.
“A heterosexual man could see that movie and remain heterosexual at its conclusion,” Dr. Logsdon said. “Having said that, it’s totally gay that he did that.”
“Ah, the summer season has arrived and the wife and I hope to hit the road. That means one thing. I must dump my SUV.”
“Dump your SUV?”
“With gas prices soaring, who can afford to drive such a gas guzzler anymore? What’s worse: My giant hunk of steel is worth several thousand less than I owe on it.”
“Those are the breaks. But isn’t that the risk you took when you bought it?”
“Risk?”
“Surely you know that a third of the world’s crude oil comes from the Middle East, one of the most volatile regions in the world. That volatility has led to erratic gasoline prices before.”
On a day when Washington was abuzz with the news that former White House spokesperson Scott McClellan had published a tell-all memoir, President George W. Bush offered his personal reason for not reading it.
“I have no intention of reading Scott McClellan’s book,” Mr. Bush told reporters, “because it’s a book.”
Mr. Bush said he was “surprised” that Mr. McClellan had written a book to criticize him because “if you’re trying to communicate some criticism to me, a book is pretty much the last place you’d put it.”
The president said that he thought the chances of his someday reading Mr. McClellan’s book were “zero,” adding, “If I didn’t read the Iraq Study Group’s report, I really don’t think I’m about to read Scott McClellan’s little book.”
Presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota observed that if Mr. McClellan honestly expected his memoir to somehow reach Mr. Bush’s nightstand, “that demonstrates just how little he knows George W. Bush.”
“Scott McClellan would have had a much better shot if he had put his memoir in Xbox 360 format and then slipped it into a package labeled ‘Grand Theft Auto 5,’” he said.
For his part, Mr. Bush said that there was in fact a book published this week that had caught his eye: the new James Bond thrilled entitled “Devil May Care.”
“Now, that book looks like it could be good,” he said. “Maybe I’ll have Laura read it to me.”
“I have a wife who genuinely loves to fish. I mean, she will take the lead and ask me to go out fishing, and joyfully comes here. She loves football, she’ll go to hockey games, and I jokingly say, ‘Now, if I could only get her to have sex with me I’d really have it made.””
In what some Democratic Party insiders are calling a particularly ominous sign for Hillary Clintons presidential campaign, former president Bill Clinton today became the latest superdelegate to switch from Sen. Clinton to her rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill).
Sources close to the former president said that Mr. Clinton had been mulling such a defection for weeks, as early as the night of the Iowa primary, but that he only decided to make his decision public today.
The American people want change, Mr. Clinton said at a press conference in New York. Lord knows I do.
The former president said that sometimes, at the end of a race, you have to put an old horse down, adding, Im not speaking metaphorically.
Mr. Clinton fueled speculation that he was seeking a role in an Obama administration, saying, I know my way around the Oval Office, and I know how the super-secret double-lock works.
The former president said he would relish a return to the White House, calling his tenure there good times.
For her part, Sen. Clinton said that the defection of her husband would not deter her from staying in the race, adding, To my knowledge, hes the only white voter Sen. Obama has.
The New York senator denied that she was playing the race card, arguing, Every other member of my family is supporting me, and by the way, theyre white.
Elsewhere, a defiant John McCain said that his wife will not release her tax returns, and neither will my girlfriend.
After a week in which a chorus of television pundits talked about the Rev. Wright controversy ad nauseam, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama introduced a proposal today to silence such repetitious discussions.
I am proposing a gas-bag holiday, Sen. Obama told a capacity crowd in Indianapolis. Under my plan, all gas-bags would go on vacation until the second week of November.
Some observers called the Illinois senators plan a shrewd one since, in addition to the pundits, it seemed guaranteed to sideline the Rev, Wright himself for the next four months.
But within minutes of floating the idea of the gas-bag holiday, Sen. Obama came under fire from several prominent gas-bags, including MSNBCs Chris Matthews.
This whole gas-bag holiday thing raises two important questions: how much has the Rev. Wright controversy hurt Barack Obama? he said. Also, how much has the Rev. Wright controversy hurt Barack Obama?
CNNs senior gas-bag, Lou Dobbs, said that Sen. Obamas proposal of a gas-bag holiday should make Americans question his patriotism.
The right to be a TV blowhard is as American as wearing a flag pin on your lapel, he said. By the way, isnt Hussein a Mexican name?
Elsewhere, Iran definitely has an active nuclear program, said new White House spokesperson Paula Abdul.
Pronouncing himself thrilled with his recent spate of media appearances, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright announced today that he will launch his own 24-hour channel that will feature nothing but himself all day long.
Coming off his appearance with PBS Bill Moyers and his televised speeches before the NAACP and the National Press Club, the preacher said that one thing is abundantly clear: people just cant get enough of me on television.
By launching WrightTV, the minister said, It is my sincere hope that I can quench the publics seemingly limitless thirst for hearing me talk.
While some media experts wondered whether Rev. Wright could produce enough content to fill a 24-hour channel, the preacher assured that that wont be a problem at all.
Once those cameras are on, Ill start talking, he said. A bigger problem will be getting me to stop.
The minister added that it would take at least two weeks for the channel to launch, but said that in the interim he would schedule a series of other television appearances, on such programs as Jeopardy, Dancing with the Stars, and the hit teen drama Gossip Girl.
While the Obama camp had no official comment on the Rev. Wrights new television channel, the concept got a ringing endorsement from another leading Democrat, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY).
Speaking for myself, whenever I turn on the TV and see that the Rev. Wright is on, I am overjoyed, she said.
Elsewhere, Miley Cyrus said Vanity Fairs topless photos of her were even more embarrassing than being Billy Ray Cyrus daughter.
A Japanese doctor said, ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.’
A German doctor said, ‘That’s nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.’
A British doctor said, ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.’
A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, ‘You guys are way behind. We took a man from Texas with no brains, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.’
