An escaped mental patient broke into the United Nations yesterday, getting all the way to the General Assembly and delivering a ninety-minute speech.
A day after the stunning security breach, U.N. officials were still attempting to sort out how it was allowed to happen.
“We’re trying not to play the blame game here,” said U.N. spokesperson Carol Foyler. “The simple fact is, a legally insane man somehow got all the way to the podium, so how do we keep that from happening again?”
Theories abound as to how the mental patient made it to the U.N., with some suggesting that he may have escaped during a field trip to a county fair.
Reacting to the rambling and incoherent ninety-minute rant, Sec. of State Hillary Clinton echoed the feelings of many: “I was like, where’s Kanye when you need him?”
As the federal government moves to institute salary caps for Wall Street executives, an increasing number of assholes are seeking employment elsewhere, a study confirmed today.
According to the report commissioned by the University of Minnesota’s School of Business, at a time when the economy needs experienced hands at the tiller, some of the financial world’s best-trained dickwads are fleeing the ship.
And if the trend continues, the study warns, Wall Street could soon be facing a “douchebag drain” as top buttholes migrate to other countries and industries.
“There is no question that our company is losing some of its most valued assholes,” says Bank of America CEO Kenneth Lewis. “I have tried to convince them to stay, but how do you reason with them? After all, they’re assholes.”
At Blarney O’Malley’s, a popular watering hole catering to Wall Street traders, prominent assholes congregated after work last week to ponder the career options facing douchcicles today.
“When I graduated from B-school in ‘98, you could write your own ticket,” said Dirk Bendelson, a veteran asshole from Stamford, Connecticut. “It was a glorious time to be a mofo.”
Mr. Bendelson said he was considering using his Wall Street experience to pursue a career that would not be subject to regulation or salary caps: “I’m thinking of becoming a pirate.”
Elsewhere, the IRS announced that April 15 is the tax-filing deadline for all Americans not in the president’s Cabinet.
Claiming that determining an unquestioned national champion through a playoff system “went against the very idea of sporting competition,” and that the sheer exuberance of college basketball fans was “a shocking and nauseating display of everything wrong with collegiate athletics,” top BCS officials roundly condemned the NCAA Tournament Monday.
“I frankly cannot even believe what I’m seeing, and I can’t stomach the sight for long,” said a pale, trembling Jack Swarbrick, the Notre Dame athletic director who, along with the commissioners of the major conferences, manages the complicated system of polls and computer rankings that make up the Bowl Championship Series in college football. “The elegant logic of actually having teams play one another instead of having a council of their betters select which team is superior to which—that is not what sports is all about.”
Olympic champion Michael Phelps weighed in today on last night’s Super Bowl, congratulating the Arizona Cardinals on their “awesome victory.”
“The Cardinals really tore it up last night,” said Mr. Phelps, who said he saw almost the entire game until he got “a wicked attack of the munchies” late in the fourth quarter.
“Maybe it was the Doritos commercial, I don’t know, but suddenly I got unbelievably hungry,” said Mr. Phelps, giggling uncontrollably. “I was like, man, I have got to get me some Doritos, stat!”
Mr. Phelps said that once he got to his kitchen, he became distracted when he noticed that his hand appeared to be growing.
“I must have been staring at my hand for an hour,” he said. “It was kind of fascinating.”
The Olympian said that by the time he returned from the kitchen, the game was already over, “so I didn’t get to see the awesome moment when the Cardinals actually won, but I’m sure that was bodacious.”
Mr. Phelps said he celebrated the Cardinals’ victory by eating four bags of Doritos and swimming a victory lap on his living room rug.
In its latest cost-cutting moves designed to improve its bottom line, Starbucks announced today that it would no longer offer coffee, cups, or stir-thingies beginning February 1.
In an official statement, company spokesman Carol Foyler said that Starbucks “wrestled long and hard” with the decision to eliminate the three items, “especially coffee.”
“We are aware that many of our customers have come to Starbucks in the past looking for a cup of coffee,” Ms. Foyler said. “We hope, however, that they will continue to come even though we no longer offer coffee or cups, for that matter.”
She said that she did not think that Starbucks customers would be disappointed by the absence of stir-thingies, adding, “Since we’re also eliminating sugar, Equal, and half-and-half, there’s really nothing to stir.”
When asked what Starbucks hoped would attract customers to their stores in the future, Ms. Foyler said, “We hope customers will see our stores as a place for the unemployed and/or homeless to come out of the cold and warm themselves over a scalding hot cup of water, as long as they bring the cup.”
Elsewhere, House Minority Leader John Boehner explained House Republicans’ opposition to President Obama’s economic stimulus package: “We’re ginormous assholes.”
One week into his Presidency, Barack Obama gets high marks in a new poll, with a majority of Americans agreeing with the statement, “Barack Obama is even more awesome than I originally thought.”
The percentage of voters who believe that Mr. Obama is awesome surged during his first week in office, with 82% thinking he is awesome now compared to 77% who deemed him awesome last week.
And in the latest measure of his popularity, Mr. Obama receives higher approval ratings in the new poll than either leprechauns or unicorns, mythical beings that almost everyone agrees are totally awesome.
In a head-to-head contest, Mr. Obama beats leprechauns and unicorns combined, garnering 64% compared to 21% for leprechauns, 14% for unicorns, and 1% for Congressman Ron Paul.
Mr. Obama remains wildly popular among women, with 72% of the women polled saying that they have experienced longer, more powerful orgasms since he was sworn in as President.
“I definitely won’t have to fake them like I did for the last eight years,” said housewife Tracy Klujian of Madison, Wisconsin, who reported having an four-minute climax while watching the inauguration on MSNBC. “That’s change I can believe in.”
In the first major initiative of his presidency, President Barack Obama today dispatched Vice President Joe Biden on what he called “an important and special mission” to Antarctica.
The news of Mr. Biden’s unexpected trip appeared to take the Vice President by surprise, as he was in the middle of making a joke about Chief Justice John Roberts to members of the press corps when the President interrupted him with the news.
“Here’s how John Roberts sings the National Anthem,” Mr. Biden was saying. “’Oh see can you say…’”
Mr. Obama, yanking away Mr. Biden’s microphone, then informed him of the extraordinary journey to the South Pole he was about to undertake.
The President was vague about what the mission to Antarctica would entail, but he did indicate that it could take “up to four years.”
While some witnesses to the scene said that Mr. Biden seemed surprised by the news, his wife, Dr. Jill Biden, offered another version of events during an appearance later in the day on “Oprah.”
“Joe was given a choice of places to go and he picked Antarctica,” she said. “President Obama said he could also go to the moon or Mars.”
Dr. Biden’s remarks were cut short when President Obama appeared on the set and unplugged her microphone.
Other than the Biden news, Mr. Obama’s day went as planed, meeting with senior staff, drawing up a budget, and being sworn in as President for the third time.
We, the United States of America, your quality supplier of the ideals of liberty and democracy, would like to apologize for our 2001-2008 interruption in service. The technical fault (known as the “Dabush” virus) that led to this eight-year service outage has been located, and the software responsible was replaced November 4. Early tests of the newly installed program indicate that we are now operating correctly, and we expect it to be fully functional on January 20.
We apologize for any inconvenience caused by the outage. We look forward to resuming full service and hope to improve in years to come. We thank you for your patience and understanding.
When he is inaugurated on January 20, President-elect Barack Obama is on track to become the most ass-kissed president in the nation’s history, some historians believe.
Those experts say that with conservative pundits and evangelists scurrying to hop aboard the Obama bandwagon, in addition to the liberal talking heads who have been kissing his ass for months, the President-elect’s buttocks are being sucked to a degree that is without precedent.
“Abraham Lincoln is perhaps our country’s greatest president,” says Doris Kearns Goodwin, noted historian and author of the bestselling Team of Rivals, “but he never had his fanny kissed like this.”
At MSNBC, a top executive announced today that the news network would suspend its regular programming between now and the Inauguration “to administer one long, glorious blowjob to President-elect Barack Obama.”
The network’s new promos reflect this agenda, as a disembodied voice asks the viewer, “Do you remember the moment when you fell in love with Barack Obama?”
At the final press conference of his presidency, George W. Bush ruefully contrasted his treatment by the press with the historic level of suckage being bestowed on the President-elect’s buttal region.
“You people never kissed my hiney like you’re kissing his, and you know it,” Mr. Bush said. “As far as I’m concerned, you bastards can all go to hell.”
Mr. Bush later struck an elegiac note, saying that he was considering several options for his retirement, including a return to full-time drinking.
